behind-the-picture-frame to tucked-under-the-mattress

Sometimes I regret who I’ve been in the past.

I look back and, really, a lot of the time I was just an awful person. And occasionally I’ll even revert back to it. I can’t stand that “me”.

But thinking about it recently, had I not been that person, or any of the versions of me that I have been in the past, I wouldn’t be who I am now. And I think right now I am a pretty okay person. Not always the best I could be, definitely not as bad as I’ve been before…

I’m still growing. That is something I need to remind myself of occasionally. Though sometimes it may feel like I will never stop feeling the way I feel right at a specific second, I know that that simply isn’t true. Of course I’ll feel different. Better, worse… who knows. But sometimes it’s hard for me to recognize that I’ll ever feel different at all.

This is pretty random (especially after radio silence for months), but I am sick today and I got to thinking. So. Here it is.

Jeez that last post seems so hollow and inadequate.

There is so much more to all this but it’s impossible for me to explain.

Oh my God.

Wow.

Lt. Sarcasm, who broke my heart and left me a shadow of myself, returned to my life today.

He and Mater were meeting to talk and Mater decided it would be a good idea to make me talk to him.

It was a very good idea.

This is a very long and involved story, but I don’t really want to tell it. It doesn’t really need to be told, I think. In short, I love him. And I forgot how much until today and all that happened. I really though that the way he hurt me affected how I felt in a significant way. But even while I was dreading the conversation I knew we would have (which was actually very good) I still felt… at ease. comfortable. Even happy, which I haven’t really been practically since he broke it off two months ago. Actually he counted. Two months and twelve days.

I don’t even have words to express everything. He regretted it right after he did it, but he let things sit because he was too proud to admit he made a mistake and he didn’t think it would make a difference if he tried to make amends. I’m not quoting word for word but he was the one who said these things.

I just… I really don’t know what to say. We are both so happy again. I feel like myself again. I feel like a whole person again, and he said the same thing and…

Damn.

Have I really been so blind?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I’m unhappy. Pretty much with my whole life. Just. I can’t even really pick out what’s bad from what’s not, I guess. I’m not really sure what I can say is not bad.

I hate everything. No.. that’s not quite true. But I don’t really enjoy anything. 

I saw a picture today of someone who I was very hurt by and who I am now very confused because of. Just a picture. I’ve tried to pretend like I’m ready to forget about everything that happened, but after seeing that picture and only being able to think “Fuck, not you. Fuck you. No.” I realize that I most certainly am not ready. 

Yeah, he had problems to deal with. But you know what, I deserved a whole fucking lot more than what I got out of that whole mess. No one, NO ONE, can tell me that I deserved the shit I got served with that one. He did exactly what he fucking promised he wouldn’t, what we both agreed was the absolute shittiest thing to do to a person you were dating.

And he wants to be friends, sure, and maybe he wants another chance, but you know what I still haven’t gotten? An apology. Not even a simple “I’m sorry” without any sort of explanation. Nothing. I have not gotten one fucking thing from him, and you know what, NO I am NOT ready to be his friend. Because, yeah, not getting an apology actually is enough for me to hold against him. Because that was a shitty thing to do, especially to someone who allegedly meant so much to him.

I’m not fucking ready to talk to him about my life, or how I feel, or even what classes I’m taking this semester. I’m not ready to see his fucking face on a computer screen, so why the fuck should I have to be ready to be his friend? I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to talk to him. I want to forget about him. I want to never have even met him.

Fuck him and fuck my life.

Tonight we watched Moulin Rouge and Lt. Sarcasm sang along with some of the songs, except he sang them to me.

Nothing is comparable to having those things sung to you. It’s like hearing a song for the first time even though you have the words memorized and it just…

Woah.

Life is crazy and amazing

Asdfghjkl

So last night, Sexy Burrito and Lieutenant Sarcasm worked together to surprise me.

Lieutenant Sarcasm was at a sort of training thing for this summer camp he’s gonna be working at all summer, and Sexy Burrito and I were down at The Beloved’s house watching her kids. So the idea, since Lt. Sarcasm would be at training all weekend, was that we would just hang out again late Sunday evening.

However, whilst driving home I had SB text Lt. Sarcasm for me and he realized it was her and the two of them started texting on her phone. SB and I stopped to get coffee, and as we were leaving I got a message from him saying “I see a surprise in your future” and I was like “it’s Friday. You can’t psyche me up for something I won’t even get to see until Sunday, that’s not fair.” Naturally, I accomplished nothing with my complaint. But then Becky mentioned how she got a message from him saying “can’t you do me a huge favor?” And I though “oh no he isn’t”.

So I figured they were going to surprise me with Lt. Sarcasm being there when we got home. Lo and behold, we turn the corner and see… That he is not there. So I figure the surprise must have been different.

It wasn’t. They just happened to have it so perfectly timed that five minutes after we got home, he arrived. That’s not the best part, though.

Lt. Sarcasm was given a choice about the training weekend, since there was so much bad weather. And he decided he wanted to spend time with me instead, so he’s going to be here all weekend. He will be here for my party this afternoon, and he will be here tomorrow. I may even decide to go to my cousin’s graduation party tomorrow so he can meet some of my family, because…

He is so great.

Yay!

Lieutenant Sarcasm and I are going on a date on the 14th. Like a real, proper, actual date.

We’re going to the restaurant 1789 and then we’re gonna walk around DC and it’s gonna be great. =)

I am so excited.

Lieutenant Sarcasm is really great.

That is all.

Asdfghjklfhrhduwktbsyqorbtuskfnthghrbwufjtneksownthfiwnfgeiwldngirywtsbaloejgbuvid

Omg.

So today was sort of eh for me. I had to get up early for work training and I got there too early so I ended up talking to this creepy guy who throughout the day was pestering me about getting my number to the point of waiting outside the door of the office until I came out, even though I specifically waited until I was one of the last people out. And I was terrified too because I knew that was what was going to happen. He followed me halfway to my car hounding me about it and even getting angry and I was just… Terrified. Completely terrified.

I was talking to Lieutenant Sarcasm all day, so he knew about this actually while it was happening. I talked to him most of the way home because I was freaking out like crazy, and that helped a little. I still felt almost the whole time like I would look in my rear view mirror and see the creepy pushy guy in his car following me. I was terrified.

Anyway but whilst talking to Lt. Sarcasm the idea of him maybe coming over was brought up…and I really liked that idea (of course I did: I was the one who suggested it). And so he did, and he came over around 820 and agh.. This guy is literally the best. He trumps all others right now, by far. And maybe that won’t last but I can’t see why it wouldn’t. He’s fantastic. He came over for dinner and jeez… BAJPO was over and I just. Even Lt. Sarcasm (who, granted, is extremely observant [you don’t even know, it’s ridiculous]) could tell that BAJPO is definitely not over me. It’s been 8 months. I don’t know how long he expects me to just wait around for… Nothing. I am never getting back with him. Never.

Anyway… Lt. Sarcasm is fantastic though, and tonight we watched a movie with my parents and The Joker (The Majestic) and agh he’s so great. And afterward we watched some episodes of Coupling which we actually mostly just talked through. Because no way are Mater and Pater just gonna let me sit up talking to a guy all night. We need some sort of something. Idk maybe I’m wrong. Anyway. But we talked about like… So much. He’s so great. We talked about how we feel and when we started becoming interested (for me it was the very second I found out he was not much older than me, for him it was at The Joker’s party. So he liked me first so WOAH. weird.) ahem anyway. We also talked about past issues and just omg so much. It was great. He’s the best to talk to, he really is.

Also he is a really fantastic kisser…I am not gonna lie, he is a really really phenomenal kisser. Wow.

Anyway anyway, he’s super adorable. And so great. Agh. Just… Agh. He has to go sing at a mass tomorrow morning so he’s leaving at like 9 so I wanna be up by then (oh, I forgot to mention that he’s staying the night. He’s staying the night. Unfortunately, not with me this time) so I should probably get to bed. He is coming back tomorrow afternoon, however, and we are going to watch Pan’s Labyrinth among other things…

This guy is so fantastic. And we are so comfortable together already, but like… Not comfortable like its boring just… It’s comfortable for us to be human together. There hasn’t been that awkward “what, what’s a bathroom? Ha ha I never do anything that’s not beautiful”. I always hate that.
Anyway yeah there’s none of that. We don’t expect each other to be perfect and that makes everything more comfortable and I’ve been trying to be as honest as possible about myself up front. Also I have been working at accepting compliments and fishing for them less. As well as being less whiny and petulant.

I really like this guy. You’re all gonna laugh and say “aww”, but it’s not just cute. It’s indescribable. There is no way to put into words how this whole everything feels.

OMG

So… Lieutenant Sarcasm just left my house. He was here…about 15 hours. Asdfghjkl omg

So he came over and we watched Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog and then a few episodes of Coupling with SB and her friend and The Lamb and asdfghjkl guys we have like the same sense of humor and he has more than once said exactly what I was thinking and woah guys, just woah.
Then we decided to watch The Switch because I hadn’t seen it in forever and SB hadn’t ever seen it. We paused it a little less than halfway through because SB was going with Pater to get dinner, and then Lt. Sarcasm, The Lamb, and myself went upstairs because Lt. Sarcasm wants me to sing a duet with him. I dodged that bullet, though, because it was very hot and he was practically melting. So we went downstairs and I showed him how to play skyrim, and then SB came down and told us that dinner was there and so we got that and finished watching The Switch. Then we went to a theater where I played another 15 mins of Skyrim to show him more of it, and then we decided to watch I believe more Coupling. And THEN we decided to watch paranormal activity 3 and this is where things begin to get… Interesting.

So whilst watching pa3, Lt. Sarcasm and I were lying on the couch head to toe. My first instinct when I get scared is to grab something a squeeze it, so in this case my best option was his feet. And he ended up doing the same to mine. Which I find hilarious. Dude man guys there is so much that we have in common I just asdfghjkl! Anyway so I believe he started it but whenever there was a lull in the scariness, we were sort of… Both absent mindedly tracing patterns on the other’s skin. Which I’m not gonna lie… I really missed that. BAJPO quite honestly never really did that, either, so I’m not sure where I miss it from. But I definitely missed it. Anyway anyway.
After pa3 we all (because The Lamb, SB, and The Joker were watching, too) decided to watch V for Vendetta because V FOR VENDETTA. There is never a good enough reason to not watch it. And dude man dude guys man DUDE. The whole time watching Lt. Sarcasm and I were sitting with our arms touching and pretty much angling every body part possible toward the other, or else we were mirroring each other, it was crazy. Eventually our arms began to overlap and then I got the feelings he wanted to hold my hand but like I AM NOT USED TO THESE THINGS SO I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE I WASN’T SURE IF I WAS JUST IMAGINING IT. So he eventually just took the initiative (and my hand). And there we were, in the middle of V for Vendetta, holding hands. Then he rested his head on my shoulder and I rested my head on his and more pattern tracing and GUYS I CANNOT HANDLE THAT THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME, THINGS LIKE THIS DON’T HAPPEN TO ME.
After V for Vendetta it was like midnight, but Lt. Sarcasm wanted to watch more Coupling because he loves it (which I think is hilarious). So we watched an episode, after which he asked for one more. I’m pretty sure we ended up watching 4, and it was 230am I think. And we were laying there (the others had all gone up to bed, but The Lamb came back down after being unable to sleep and watched 1 or 2 episodes of coupling with us/ fell asleep) and asdfghjkl. We were still just tracing patterns and falling asleep, and we started out head to toe but eventually he moved so we were legit laying next to each other and THAT WAS SO FRIGGIN ASDFGHJKL I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE IT BUT WOW. We looked at each other a lot and dozed off a lot and held hands a lot and traced patterns and asdfghjkl. Then he kissed me and we kissed quite a bit after that. There was one point where it probably could have been considered making out. Jeez he’s a good kisser… I miss kissing. Anyway he kept saying that in ten minutes he would leave and he did that from 230 until 510. So we stayed together literally. All. Night.
I’m not even going to try to explain what that means to me, or on how many levels I loved it.
He accidentally found out that stroking the back of my left arm tickles me, like omg I did not know I was so ticklish there. So then I found several places where he was ticklish and he found several places I was and we sort of had a few small tickle wars. He’s so great you guys. He’s so fantastic.

I just… There was so much good about all this. I will never be able to fully explain what it was.

This guy is really great